… Stories of My Mind …

Damn, I should definitely write more often.

4 days to D-Day. Again. I am definitely getting sick of doing these exams. When someone last asked me about the possibility of MBA I nearly choked up. No way in hell.

(Don’t take me seriously, I am allowed to change my mind)

What’s happened since my last post? I know I have been busy, but can’t quite recall. Maybe they were all meaningless? I am sure that is not so.

Though recently, I realize that I have parted with what I once was. Maybe it’s a good thing, maybe it’s not so good. Does it really matter if it’s good or bad? I keep thinking, maybe it’s the experience that mattered.

I remembered once I had discussed with a friend at which point in a relationship you become exclusive. Traditionally, you go on a few dates, a few drinks, flirt a little, and maybe by the time you make out and hold hands you would think you are maybe exclusive. By the time you share one’s bed, exclusitivity is definite.

But is that really the modern way of “dating”? What if you cut to the chase and get to the sex within the first few dates?  After the event, are you exclusive? How can you be exclusive if you don’t really know that much about each other? Why hit the sack then, I hear you cry. Well, for no other reason than it was enjoyable. If you get to know each other after the fact and really quite like each other - well on aggregate that is the same story, no?

Thoughts are welcomed (if anyone else still bothers reading my whinge).

Why is it that textbooks seem to waffle on, with plenty of pretty words and stories, and take 80 pages to come to a conclusion? Why can’t it just go straight to the point? And they wonder why peoople don’t read text books for pleasure.

Check this “… because the procedure does not allow non-negativity constraints on the asset-class weights”. At 8PM in the evening, after reading 50 pages of financial text, a triple negative simply does not make sense. Why? Why do they have to hurt my brain so much?!

All this finance is hurting my brain and adding to my jaded daily life. I think I am ready to retire to a beach hut and never speak of money again. I’ll resort to barter trade and shells as intermediary.

I am definitely going crazy.

It’s not like I insist on being single, but I just have been. And I am actually okay with that, I absolutely enjoy all these moments that I get to myself.

But a friend recently offhandedly commented on me being the perennial single girl. I didn’t choose to be so, but let’s look at some of the men I met this year and what happened to them:

• Mr Friend: I spent a lot of time getting to know him, the rest I spent my time crushing, never really knowing if I really did like him for everything that he is, or if it was infatuation. Being me, I couldn’t act on it without knowing what I am doing. So I did nothing, and we became friends. I recently saw him again, and realized that whilst I may still be infatuated, a large part of it was that I actually liked him, for who he is, for how he thinks and what he thinks. This time round, he is actually even better than before. But that realization came too late, and I’d be crestfallen if we could never be friends again. Things and events always have consequences, and I can’t bear for it to turn out adversely. I like him so much I’d rather not risk losing everything there is.
• Mr Vacation: I’m not sure how you leave such an impression on someone after a few days but he did. The funny thing about it was that nothing actually happened. We just talked a lot - we strolled around the park, we ate, we laughed, we reminisced, we danced, we stayed out till 4am despite a freezing cold night. But here we are yet again, still in contact and getting to know each other. I’m not sure if there is an ending, but I’m not sure if there is a plot either.
  
• Mr Experience: I’d never let business mix with pleasure but I strayed once and maybe I wasn’t that sorry for it. Okay, so there’s a bit of a smirk in that, but it’s one of those things which are more perfect when left imperfect, so you could think that maybe it could have been perfect, and you leave yourself with that thought. And so he did, or at least from what little I know of him, meet the four essential criteria I have for men worth dating, and then some more. But we’d never have a chance to try that out now, would we?
• Mr Normal: Finally, a man who was not strange, sleezy nor imposing. He was normal, but we were worlds apart. Some evenings, when we were together, we’d be next to each other, and we’d do what a couple would do, but we know, that we aren’t, because without a doubt, we could never be. It’s funny to think how much education we’ve had, and how non-discriminatory I try to be, when it comes down to it, him and I, we are just from completely different worlds.
  
• Mr Almost There: I actually sort of like this guy. I really do like his personality, I like it how he’s into what he’s into, and how’s he learning, and open to it. I like it how he tries to understand things, how he is grounded, and see through the meaning of things earlier than the average male. I like it that he’s enthusiastic about things other than what he already is. But, I don’t like it that he’s relatively inexperienced. Beyond that, the problem lies with me - I feel no physical attraction for him. Which is a real pity - because I really enjoy his company.
  

Okay, I admit, maybe I am the picky sort. Just a little. In my defense, I just don’t believe that right now, I should try for something that I already know I don’t like. I don’t want to date for the sake of dating, and whilst it’s nice being spoilt, I don’t want to date wrong men, again.

• Do not stick around in the office for the sake of it.
• Do not say I know when I really don’t.
• Do not stray when you’ve made up your mind.
• Do not let things fall out of your control.
• Do not allow emotions to take control.
• Do not take things too seriously.

This week I told Mr Normal (who has been spending quite a bit of time in my apartment) that we should not be seeing each other this frequently (his visitation rights for this week and last had some how numbered twice a week). When he asked me why, I told him that this was something that I did not want him, nor I, to get used to. I am now old enough to know how easy these things change through time, and I’ll be damned for it to be any different from what I want it to be.

So I find myself once again formulating a rule, but I lie, this is really something I borrowed from a Chinese / Cantonese saying:

• Do not take it up unless you know you can let it go.
  

In the finance world - know your exit strategy.