Half Empty vs. Half Full
He told me today that he was sick of the way I thought that my glass was half empty. It was his idea that my life was more half full. And then he told me that whilst it was going to be difficult, that we have to be apart – the logic being that we were making each other unhappy. Then he said good bye.
I sat there for the next 30 minutes and I wondered what was it that made my glass so half empty, when I used to believe that the glass was so much more half full. Over the years, he became a little bit more like me, and I became someone that I did not know, and a lot of the times, did not like.
There is this fear that I have – that I may not make it to this “state of success”. I do realize the superficiality in that (hence the quotes) but this whole “journey” – was just so conflicted. I wanted to get there, but to get there required me to be a person that maybe I was not built to be. Even worse, I hated it that I was superficial enough to even want to get there.
I did quit my job (of which I thought was making me unhappy) – but I have thoughts at the back of my mind about whether I made the right decision. Maybe I was impatient? Maybe it was my fault? Maybe I left just because I wanted to leave – not going to the new place because I wanted to be there?
I turned to him for someone to lean on – after all, he’s been there all the time and I expected that he would have understood, and cared enough about me to know. I guess I was too much for him to handle – and now he’s run away. So much so for him to handle that he’s giving me up a month before he leaves the country for good. Bang! That’s a smash to the head and the heart.
How do I trust anyone ever again with my head and my heart?
He said it was going to be difficult for him. My cynical mind thought – that’s what they say to give a sense of comfort. My next thought was – “Oh, how I hate being cynical”. Why could I not be cynical? Why do I have to second guess everything including my own capabilities?
All those promises and words that he’s given me – that he would be there with me through it all; that he would give me the support that I need; that he believed in me, and that as we are, we stick to each other and don’t let go because of a rough patch. It all sounded so wonderful.
Maybe it’s going to take a lot more than just quitting my job to make me happy.
Life at the moment, is half a glass of red wine.
Currently drinking Penfolds’ Koonunga Hill Shiraz Cabernet (2003)
