… Stories of My Mind …

After six years straight of breaking my new year’s resolution of getting a driver’s license, this year, on the third last day f 2006, I decided to set it straight.

So I got my Learner’s Driver License this morning.

Okay, so it’s almost as pathetic as my 18+ Proof of Age that I carried around for the longest time, but at least it’s a start!

This means that I’ve sorted all my 2006 resolutions!

US deaths in Iraq tops 9/11 toll

I’m not quite sure if I can remember what was the reason for the war. No devastating weapons of mass destruction were found; Saddam Hussein has been captured and is to be hung in a month’s time; the elusive Osama bin Laden is not necessarily in Iraq (or anywhere else, in fact, no one seems to know).

Whatever it is, it breaks my heart when I remember that these wars are still on, and those who now suffer did not choose to be in a war. I guess it didn’t help that those entering into a war didn’t exactly know what exactly they were signing up for. Check out this article on the Pushtun tribes. I read this article this morning and I thought about how lucky we are with our creature comforts and luxurious necessities, what with our broadband internet, ergonomic work bench, and chiropractic beds. Who made the choice to be in a world where you can’t be sure that you won’t be murdered, or forced into exile, or to have to give up a few of your family members?

Who indeed…

You’d think that after refusals to all but one invitation (the BBQ) that it should be apparent that I am just uninterested.

I received this message this afternoon whilst I was on my way home: “Hey, what are you up to? Still at work? Feel like catching a movie / dinner tonight?”

My reply after an hour: “Hey. No, not at work, but am on my way to a yoga class … Have fun though, and hope all is well.”

Post yoga I found this: “Are you working on or holidays? What are your NYE plans? …”

… how!?

Whilst at the beach today, being year end and all, I started thinking about the year that was (though it had felt more like three years). So some of the lessons that I had learnt this year:

• Older, more senior, friendly men at work who tend to take you under their wing don’t always have the best intentions. Deal with them with healthy cynism and caution. Having said that, there are some older, more senior, friendly men who really are just older, more senior, friendly, wonderful and have helped me most in my career decision making process.
• You can never earn enough money.
• And I never seem to save any.
• Don’t ever let anyone make you feel worse than you actually are - figure out what is the truth and what is emotion / insecurity.
• It’s okay to not be perfect all the time.
• Don’t put up with a boss who promises but don’t deliver, who is jealous of your accomplishments, who isn’t teaching you anything new but expects you to stick around 20 hours a day to do their work, who takes credit for your work despite shooting you down when you first pitch it. If s/he’s big, fat and has a bad B.O. then the decision is cemented.
• Just because you have been with someone for a long time doesn’t mean that you actually know them at all.
• Don’t allow yourself to be a trustworthy pleb at work - because when you do that’s where downhill starts. You have to go and fight for what you know you deserve.
• Doesn’t matter how well you prepare for it, some of the best things come unexpectedly.
• Some things just aren’t meant to be. And you can’t make them last any longer than they really should.
• It’s okay to not have to know where you’re going all the time.
• Just because he looks, and talks and act like a 25 year old (mind you, he was hot too), doesn’t mean that he can’t be 16.
• But just because he really is 34, doesn’t mean that he understands the meaning of “No”.
• And because he is a friend of a good friend, doesn’t mean he can’t just be downright seedy.
• It is always better to have a clean break. Not doing so only prolong / defer the pain.
• Not everyone thinks the way I do.
• The minutes of the day don’t come back. Always do what you want to, and what you’re going to enjoy doing, else it’s just a waste.
• Some friends can take criticism, some friends critisize but can’t take criticism. Always approach topics in discussion with caution, but I am unwilling to be anything less than myself.
• There are more jokes around than I have time to figure them out for. There are seriously a lot of things to laugh at.
• Feeling strong and fit is a good feeling.
• There will always be difficulties, there will always be troubles. There will always be some asshole who is trying to stop you on your path. There will always be some bumps or worse yet, pot holes. But you just deal with it. You make decisions based on what you know today, not what you may know tomorrow. And that is just the best you can do.
• And on those days when there are none of those difficulties listed above, you look up and you smile and cherish the day that is.
• We all have a choice and we all choose who we want to be and who we could be.

Another big lesson, and I’d like to single this out because it got me through this year - are how amazing my friends are. It doesn’t matter physically where they are, they were there when I got into my mess. It doesn’t matter what they are doing. I may not be the most organized person, in terms of writting emails, sending cards and remembering birthdays, but to my friends, please know that I love you all dearly and thank you so much for everything that you have done and said. It won’t be forgotten.

Currently watching The Melbourne Test Match.

Not quite sure why, but there seems to be a quite a few strange men out there.

Last Thursday night I headed off to a friend’s farewell. Halfway through drinks there was someone who was looking pretty familiar, and jogging my memory back, he was someone that I had met at one of my very good friend’s dinner.

So we continued to chat, had a couple of drinks and then went downstairs for something to eat. I started getting a little uncomfortable when he started asking me strange questions and making strange statements (e.g. “Would you kiss a stranger?”; “You’re one of the good looking girls…”). Trying to deflect unwanted attention off myself I told him that he should speak with the cute chick who was sitting at the end of the table. He asked me why he should talk to her when he’s talking to me. (!?!?)

He ended up driving me home as there were no taxis around, Christmas season and all. I was apologetic because my place was not quite on his way. He told me not to worry, because he was not expecting to get laid. (!?!?) When the car stopped in front of my apartment, I bolted.

The next day was work as usual. I met up with another friend who was leaving the country, then got dragged into drinks with another friend who saw me passing by Martin Place. Whilst at drinks, I got an SMS from Mr Seedy: “Hi there, sexy”.

I nearly dropped my cell phone. My reply: “Say what?”, to which he subsequently replied: “Okay, good looking”. I did not reply.

I must have missed something because he sent me another message to ask me what I was up to that night. I told that I was still work. Later that night I met up with a friend who snuck me into an auditors’ Christmas Party (it was actually better than expected), continued on with some nice cocktails, and then some food at Pancakes’.

The next evening he dropped me another message to ask what I was up to for the night. I told him that I was staying home that night and have no intention to go out.

At least this man gets the message (well, eventually). But I am started to become convinced that only strange men are attracted to me, so, that makes me strange…

Either way, this is becoming too much of a joke. How is it that I meet these people? I can’t be that strange!!

Currently watching the trailer for Happy Feet - there has been quite a few animated films lately but I never quite seem to get sick of them.

Decided to get started on cleaning the mess that is my apartment today. I have a bad habit of accumulating stuff.

Items unexpectedly found:

• Uni notes (and lots of it) - I guess I did do some work back in uni afterall
• An old break-up letter to the last ex - reading through it, it seems like the signs were there a long time ago, but obviously I was wearing those rose-tinted glasses.
• A stack of old photos from the trip an ex and I took to the Blue Mountains. Then Coldplay came up on Videohits. I chose to not read too much into it and chucked the whole bunch of photos away.
• Copies of school report cards - it’s funny reading these, since I had been to so many schools and was given the chance to change from the person that I was to the person I wanted to be to the person I could be. How I started off as this shy, passive, unaware, easily beaten little girl to what I think is now ambitious, refused to be broken, and extremely loud. (Also noted was how I just realized how I was such a favourite of my English teacher - who also happened to be roll call teacher - for the last two years of my high school. She pushed me to be bigger and better, and to stand up for what I am and what I wanted to be)
• A first-year finance assignment - of which besides from being an easy 20% contribution to my final grade have had no other useful effect in my finance career.
• CFA notes from an ex. I can’t make up my mind whether I should contact him (which requires me to contact him and I can’t be bothered) or just chuck it away. It doesn’t exactly look pretty in my apartment. I think I will just chuck it away.
• A pair of scissors I lost 6 months ago (I told you my apartment is a mess)
• Some memorabilia from the China trip.

Still more of the mess to clear up…

So I met this guy, he looks half decent, he was funny, he was nice, in a position to understand my work and hence likely to understand me. He didn’t do any sports, but I could trade that off with the other aspects mentioned previously. He was decent.

Halfway through the night, someone mentions that he should bring his girlfriend out.

Bummer.

And so we move on.

Recently there’s been this guy who’s requested for my company over the weekends. Initially I had informed him that my weekends are pretty much booked out till X’mas. He suggested weekdays; and his persistence finally drove through and I agreed to join him at a BBQ.

Long story short, he wasn’t my type of guy. There was nothing wrong with him - he is nice, he is funny, he does a lot of sports. If there was one thing I had to pin point, would simply be that he didn’t have enough drive. He seemed to have fallen into whatever he does, rather than making the active choice in choosing what he is doing. It is an important point to me, and holding little or no ambition or passion for anything does not impress me.

Anyway, I think I have been nice - I have given him the chance. He’s asked me when we will next catch up, and I told him I’m a little busy this month, X’mas and all. He asked again Monday. Then again Wednesday. Then again Friday. I was not kidding when I said I was busy - I was out every one of those nights. The weekend was again filled with X’mas parties and one farewell. Either way, I have given him no set date, and I have not given an impression that I am keen on meeting up. I was hoping that that was enough negative signal to deter him.

I am afraid that it may not be, because it seems like he is one persistent man. Why is it this way?  I am trying real hard to not be harsh letting him down, I do not want to be confrontational this time, but it doesn’t seem to be working. If I were confrontational and told him in a blunt manner, chances are that he’d tell me that I didn’t have to be such a bitch about it. They always do. But I mean, if you don’t get the message in the first place, what am I to do about that?

What to do… what to do…

Currently listening to Incubus’ Light Grenades

With people around me mostly hooked up or getting married, I can’t help but think about the L word. Mostly, I am just reluctant. To think that I have to trust someone enough to hand over my heart again, falling in love, making compromises, choosing him for us rather than the career for me, insecurities, dealing with his insecurities, falling out of love, fear of him falling out of love when you’re in love, and then at the end of it, things turning out badly, being heart broken…

Yes, I am just a little bit protective of my own heart.

I was supposed to be home early to rest this afternoon because I am ill. After meeting up with a friend for lunch we got distracted and ended up shopping at Paddington.

Acquired:

• A skirt from Quick Brown Fox
• A bag from Nine West
• Two tops from Grab
• A cardigan, a skirt and a pink top from Satch

After that shopping spree at Mountain Designs / Kathmandu, and then at Homebake, I really need to put a stop on burning that credit card of mine. I say no more shopping.

Unless if I find a really good black leather belt (for my dress of course).