… Stories of My Mind …

With the upcoming elections, politics are in full force, and IR has continued to make headlines, especially with the 20,000 people who showed up at the “demonstrations” at Hyde Park last weekend. I have to admit that I have not read the IR laws back to front and I don’t exactly know all of the issues. And certainly, I have not felt any of these IR law changes at a personal level.

The perception that I get is that these changes in IR laws will significantly undermine the unions. As I am an advocate of efficient capital allocation (and of course the private sector has always been better at this than the government), I do not believe in unions. To be honest, I may even go as far to say that the weakening of union powers could be good for the economy (and consumers alike) as a whole.

Only 20% of the workforce is unionized - the rest of the 80% - I suppose that’s just you and me. My view of the unions is such that they effectively decrease the competitiveness of the goods and services of which are produced. I am not convinced that the 80% of the population should suffer (higher prices, and long term damage to the economy as we lose out to more competitive foreign goods and services) just because there is a 20% (and shrinking) of the work force of which is too scared to be left to their own devices. If you are incompetent in the first place, you should have been fired. If you are competent, you should have no worries about getting fired, and indeed if you are, you would have no problems in finding a job.

I am indeed a capitalist.

We sold the first dog of my investment career on April 26th 2007.

I was so excited when I had first discover this investment idea. We sold out on the premise that:

• Management was not active enough
• Too much faith was being placed into the stock
• Capacity expansion has been delayed for three quarters and it did not seem like it was moving
• Management seemed distracted
• Where is that re-rating theme was supposed to happen?

Rather than beating myself up, I sucked it up and move on. I am going to learn from this mistake and look out for it the next time I think there’s a bright investment idea.

But there was a hit to the ego. Darn.

Lying in bed on a Saturday morning looking at the ceiling listening to some soulfull John Mayer. This album is growing on me.

I was thinking, I have

• A wonderful brother who is burning me CDs of songs that I like and is sending them to as I had requested;
• Fantastic friends who’d be there to catch me when I fall;
• A job that I still enjoy;
• Running buddies who will continue to push me;
• Not to mention, Nike+ of which will now track how fast and how far I run;
• A comfortable abode;
• Oh yes, a beautiful, comfortable bed;
• A haircut that I actually like…

I think you get the gist - the list goes on. It’s the little things.

Sometimes I feel like I am where I had always wanted to be at this age, maybe even something more. I wouldn’t consider it success, but it’s just more that I have gotten what I wanted so far. The cynic in me goes, “what now?”, the optimist in me goes, “Keep running with this and you will be a lot more better and earlier than the average.”

I will indeed run with the latter.

More importantly, I am happy the way that I am now. I keep thinking there is no other way to be nowadays. I could be dead tired, and I could have all these worries swirling in my head, but I can’t help but beam because I know how good things are.

Just need to get through this exam first.

The Future Belongs to Those Who Prepare for it Today
-Malcolm X

I haven’t been sleeping well.
It takes me longer to fall asleep, I spend at least 20 minutes lying on my bed thinking about stuff. What I have to do tomorrow at work, the meetings I have to prepare for, the stocks I should really look at, the big picture, the chapters I have to get through for the CFA, have to remember to look into past exam papers, the people I have to catch up with, the work-out schedule, the conversations I’ve had.

My back is aching.
Maybe that’s because I sit on my arse all day at the office. Maybe that’s also because of the running and the spinning that I do over lunch. It could also be that I always tense my shoulders when I’m thinking, nervous, stressed. I really do need a massage.

I am once again, going at 100miles an hour.
Meetings to prepare for, appointments to make, people to catch up with. But I enjoy doing those things and I wish there were more hours in the day. Whatever happened to slowing down going into winter?

My skin is breaking out.
And my skin doesn’t usually break out. Maybe I haven’t been working out quite as much, but I have been drinking even more water than I had before. Maybe it’s the weather. Maybe I let my hair down more. Maybe it’s the food.

Cravings.
So I buy a packet of them, and then I chuck it away. Because I wanted to, then I don’t want to. The mind is stronger, the mind is stronger, the mind is stronger.

Stomach isn’t feeling so well, that stupid blocked nose still sticking around.
Haven’t been able to shake off remnants of the cold ever since I got back from NYC. Maybe I don’t have regular enough meal and my stomach is once again protesting. But heck, what I am supposed to do when I get home late and haven’t got anything in the fridge?

It may be stress.

The things I say

As long as I make people laugh, comfortable and happy, that’s all they need to know. Besides, there really isn’t a lot to know about me - my life is boring as. No one really needs to know anything more than that.

When you decide to do something it’s got be 110%. No point doing something half-assed.

I feel like a little girl when it comes to these things. And I hate it.

Maybe I should just make a decision and just keep running with this forever.

If you don’t fall in love, you won’t fall out of love.

Sometimes I wish I weren’t so competitive or ambitious. Maybe things would be better or easier.

The things he says

… I had to ask for a permission slip… no, of course I’m not on a leash. It’s just the way she is and she’s not going to change.

I don’t understand. If you find someone you like and they like spending time with you, isn’t it all upside from here?

I was hoping to make changes in my life this year… I wanted to get married, I wanted to slow down, I even resigned… but things are still as they were before I decided I want it to change. I might be feeling a little lost.

You make time to do what you want to do.

Yes, I wish she’d work out, not that I don’t want her to… You’d better wish that your boyfriend finds you physically attractive.

The things she says

I just need to stop thinking and just be happy.

Everyone is changing, so I need change too.

I can’t do it because I’m not as strong as you are.

Well, if you weren’t so competitive or ambitious, things won’t necessarily be better, but yes, it might be easier.

Yes, you’re going to do it. Because you’re determined. Some will say you’re stubborn, but yes, you’re determined.

He tells me about his childhood, about how he once wanted to dance, how he had to assist in the lingerie department, how different he was from his family.

And I realized that I don’t remember very much from my childhood. I know I went to school, but I can’t remember wearing the kindy uniform, nor do I remember actually studying. All I know is that I was one spoilt child.

I probably still am.

Had to get rid of some furniture today. An old computer table that an ex-boyfriend bought back in college, a bedside table that I have had ever since I started college.

And I remembered all these dreams that you built, once upon a time, with someone that you once thought significant. I kept trying to remember how they became significant, but I couldn’t.

I made the mistake last time of saying that I would never make the same mistake again. Then I made the same mistake again quite a few times. Shame on me. Now the focus lies not in not making the mistake, but making sure that the mistake would be at least god damn enjoyable.

I think you truly feel grown up and the sense of responsibility dawns on you when you realize that you are starting to take care of your parents.

And I’m not saying “taking care” as in feeding them, or paying supplements, or helping them out of their seats or whatever. But you start making decisions for them, in their financial interests, for the best of their health, and for their future. That they now trust you enough for you to make the decision for them.

My parents have been in town for the past week. I joke about it a lot - the “stress” that I am under because suddenly I have parents around me with nagging voices, the need to report back etc etc. But in reality, there were other concerns.

I remember how growing up, I had idolized them - Mom & Dad felt and looked so invincible. I didn’t necessarily want to grow up to be like them, but I wanted to have their strength, and I certainly wanted to make them proud. Okay, so I strayed a few times (okay, many times), ended up on bad spots and got them angry once in a while. (But hey, otherwise where’s the fun?) But ever since I’ve decided that I wanted to go to college and get a degree I haven’t failed in my attempts at making my parents proud.

My Dad was diagnosed with a motor neuron condition two years ago. To see this head strong man slowly admitting defeat is a melancholic event. If you think I’m a workaholic, you should meet my father - he is the probably one of the most hard-core workaholic I know. Having said that, I’d never work for my Dad though - he’s harsh. Ever since that diagnosis, he’s slowed down, and this trip, it’s made me realized that he’s had to change his plans, it’s made him re-evaluate his priorities. So much so that I can see that he’s changed as a man.

I started realizing that parents were merely humans afterall, at the age of 18 when my mother told me of her mistakes. When they fought and cried and I saw the weaknesses that is inherent in the human that is in all of us. When I had to be involved in the will discussion it was uncomforting to know that parents, will, at one point, pass out of this world.

So this week I brought up the topic of having them move here, and discussed where I would like them to be in a couple of years. I even built a spread sheet trying to calculate annuity they will need for retirement.

In the midst of doing that, I felt more than ever, responsible. To tell the truth, I don’t really want to be responsible. I felt guilty thinking this, but I did for a moment wish I did not have to plan for my parents. For that moment, I thought, could I just run away, or maybe I could chuck a fit and deny this responsibility.

But I’m not, because at the end of the day I love my parents, and I want them to have the world. The world that they have tried all their lives to build for us. As much I dread this, or maybe I just dread it that I can’t deliver on these plans, I want them to have it all.

They built half of my world, and now I want to upgrade theirs.

No, I’m not really having a quarter life crisis, but some times I get these times where I mull over the topic. I think when I was young I somewhat expected that I would have figured it out by the time High School was over. When I was in High School I thought that I’d manage that in college. When in college I figured that I would get it once I entered the “real world”. Now that I’m in the “real world” - life is way too busy, and maybe not quite “real” enough for me to figure it out. Truth is, I know how spoilt I am, and how lucky I’ve got it.

Okay, so maybe I am having a quarter life crisis.

Back in High School I was so determined to be independent, free, and strong when I grew up. Now that I am somewhat grown up, I guess I am independent, financially free at least if not completely free, and then strong. And then, being the competitive self that I am, I wanted to be the best, of the best, of the best. I wanted it all, I wanted to be everything.

But you can’t be, the best of the best of the best. Your biggest rival is always yourself, and yourself only. And you can’t have everything - because that then turns yourself slave to materialism.

I used to believe that we were all here because we all have parts to play in this grand story (“All the world’s a stage” - Shakespeare), and so we have to carry out whatever it is that we should. But then how will we know if we should or should not be or do something?

Then I believed that maybe to play the part in the story, we have to be the best that we can be, and so if we all were, we would all progress. To the next level.

What is the next level?

The point is, everytime I had theorized something, there was some question that did not give me foreseeable answers. Nowadays, I am a little more scientific. We are here because of some stroke of luck, the evolution of life had “created” us. If we’re smart and lucky enough, we may live longer and not get blown to pieces like those pea-brained dinosaurs that lived before us. That explains how we got here. Does it explain why we are here? And why we live the way we do?There must be a reason why we were given brains so much bigger than any other living creature, that we were given logic and rationality. Human civilization has spanned a couple of thousands years now, but what is the meaning of life? Has anyone in fact actually figured out if there was a meaning to life?

I looked up “Quarter-Life Crisis” in wikipedia - below are some symptoms:

• Feeling “not good enough” because one can’t find a job that is at their academic / intellectual level - Well, eventually I’d change careers, but right now this is pretty suitable / challenging enough.
  
• Frustration with relationships, the working world, and finding a suitable job or career - I suppose I get frustrated with the “working world” in a sense that there are more superficiality than expected. It’s also frustrating to see how one judge others by what job they hold / where they work. It is increasingly bothersome when someone doesn’t make an effort to talk to you until they realize that you work for a hedge fund. At what point then do they think you want to talk to them after that?
  
• Confusion of identity - Identity is subjective. You are who you choose to be. You are defined by your decisions and your choices, not your circumstances.
  
• Insecurity regarding the near future - We are young, plans change, we take risks. So long as we understand the consequences.
  
• Insecurity regarding present accomplishments - I have to say that I was not the university medalist, nor the one with the high distinctions. In fact, I was pretty average in university. Some times I think just maybe I have just been so incredibly lucky. Was it really me who made it here?
  
• Re-evaluation of close interpersonal relationships -  But you always do, don’t you? You can’t be complacent. Having said that, I haven’t got that many close interpersonal relationships that need re-evaluating.
  
• Disappointment with one’s job - Nope.
  
• Nostalgia for university or college life - Sometimes. But that’s just because it was so much easier to meet people then. I walked through a college recently and realized that I can’t possibly do this again - so college life is well and truly over.
  
• Tendency to hold stronger opinions - I have always held strong opinions.
  
• Boredom with social interactions - Well, yes. Sometimes it feels like you have to be of less depth to be able to get along with people. People seem intimidated by intelligence, by strength, by competition, by the will to want to be better, and by knowledge. I would love to meet someone who is able to have real conversations.
  
• Financially-rooted stress - Best time of my life!
  
• Loneliness - I do a lot of things on my own a lot times, but no, I do not feel lonely.
  
• Desire to have children - HELL NO!!
  
• A sense that everyone is, somehow, dowing better than you are - Umm, no. I’ve been very lucky.

So I don’t sound like I’m going through a full-blown quarter life crisis, but it certainly helps to know what are all these thoughts swirling in my mind…

I came across this and decided to give this a try. No surprises, but I think I passed (22 out of 29). 

YOU KNOW YOU WENT TO AN INTERNATIONAL SCHOOL WHEN:

[X] 1. You can’t answer the question: “Where are you from?”
Trust me, it’s a difficult question. It begins like this: “Well…”

[X] 29. When there have been more than ten guesses as to where you’re from as no one can place your accent
Well, usually they just tell me it’s American - but I’m not!!!