… Stories of My Mind …

So, I am studying for my exam. Well, sort of. I occasionally procrastinate. Okay, so I procrastinate very often. But heck, I need some variety besides from all the joy in cramming for a finance exam.

So what do I do to procrastinate?

Plenty. But to limit this post to manageable levels I shall just introduce you to some of my online activities…

kennysia.com - this Malaysian guy is funny as, pity that he’s had to “tone it down” a bit. But he’s hilarious! Reading his blog is where I started also reading all these other string of Malaysian / Singapore bloggers (my other frequent read is kurtlow.com - the amount this guy picks up is amazing!).

The Chaser - need I explain?

PerezHilton - this guy has the best celeb goss, even though I have never been a big fan of Hollywood goss (who cares?!?) but he comes up with the funniest photoshop shots. And he is absolutely ruthless. I love it!

Virtual Fitness Trainer, Golf for Women, Cool Running, MapMyRun.com, Nike+ - Have been spending more time on CoolRunning lately and less on Golf this year. I have got to pick up my golf again - it’s quite embarassing, really, to say that I play when I am so shite at it…

Berkshire Hathaway, Platinum Asset Management, Warren Buffet - I have to admit, I never really finished any of Warren Buffet’s shareholder letters, they are a little too long for my lack of a focused attention span. But they are good, and one day I will finish reading them. PAM has got some great newsletters, weird guys, but. Okay, so not weird, but you know how some people are so smart that they are just not on the same wavelength as normalites like I. I remember having interviewed there once, and the guy asked me some of the most left field questions. I think I may have ended up on their “Don’t-talk-to-us-again-you’re-too-normal” list. But heck, who am I to say? PAM listed this week, Kerr Nielson is the newest millionaire, and here I am, trying to cram for this stupid exam, and no where close to my first million….

MissyConfidential, Jayson Brunsdon, Victoria’s Secret, ArmaniExchange - MC has all Sydney / Melbourne sales listed, awesome!! (Thanks R), Jayson Brunsdon makes awesome clothes, and well, VS? I can’t get over their range after coming back from NYC. For the mass market, AX makes awesome clothes.

AdventureToursAustralia, Tasmanian Expeditions, Intrepid Travel, World Expeditions, i-to-i, Electric Pagoda - Perfect timing to be planning the next vacation. AdventureTours seems to have the better Australian tours planned. I know I have been to Tassie already, but TasEx has some of the best walking tours. Interpid and WorldEx always have great international trips. i-to-i is where I check out my community projects that I may sink my teeth into next January. EP I stumbled upon at work - check out the gallery, it has some of the most amazing shots of China / Tibet / Mongolia.

There are probably a whole lot more sites that I check out, but this has to stop here because I do have an exam to prepare for! I so deserve to fail. *shakes head* I better go work on those swaps.

Two more months till my birthday. I am getting a little nervous.

Why am I getting nervous, you ask? Well, my birthday falls almost smack bang in the middle of the year, more often than not I find myself re-evaluating my resolutions, progress and priorities of the year.  Has it been worth it? Am I better off? Did I get there? What did I learn? How much more do I need to do?

I don’t know yet. Don’t have time to muse on that right now either. But, one more year and I have been on this earth quarter of a century. What have I done?

Well, I can definitely tell you about the boring things I tried cramming into my brain today: futures, forwards, calls, puts, protective puts, covered calls, strangles, straddles, bull and bear spreads, butterfly swaps, caps, floors, caplets, floors, interest rate caps, interest puts, interest rate collars… was that worth my time?

I don’t know, but I have swaps to look forward to next. 

“If you can’t change your fate, change your attitude“
- Amy Tan

First day I am spending at home to cram for the exam next weekend. I feel terrible - it was more of a waste really - I could not focus nor get much done. The weather was chilly, and I think I got a slight cold. Downed some multi-vitamins and hope that that would solve the problem.

The one productive thing that I did do, was go for a run this morning. Okay, so I intended to start my run at 7am but only managed to leave the house 8am (the bed was far too comfortable). But the importance lie in me actually managing to get out of bed, right? Check out the run that I did (I mapped it out the night before, yes I am a nerd and a half):

Completed it in about half an hour. The distance on my Nike+iPod was 1km less than what was indicated on the map, but still, it felt good. The route had quite a few inclines (you start with an incline!), but that’s good work for strength, just painful!

It was something different - rarely ever being home on a weekday. I ran past people in suits waiting at bus stops (I’m usually one of them); ran past seniors doing their early morning shopping; ran past the cold, empty beach; ran past a school, and parents dropping their kiddies off; ran past an old man who stepped off the pavement whilst smiling and waving at me.

These runs, they put a smile on my face - I’m not even sure what it is.

… But for now, I should muse less and cram more.

Sigh.

I think you should come over here and tell me what you think.

I think maybe you should also stop talking because you are distracting me from listening to you.

I think you should definitely call me.

I think I could definitely see you next to me in the morning.

I think maybe you should try coming closer to me a little, and see what would happen.

I think I may like to work out which part of you curves where.

I think I could definitely be much nicer to you than you could be to yourself.

Yes, I think you could definitely do with a whole lot of me.

( … I think you’d like it … )

She may be…

• Competitive - she sets forward moving targets and relentless persues them until she finds the next target.
• Ambitious - but that’s because she is better with a goals to meet and places to be.
• Opinionated - she enjoys active discussions, from the topic of finance, to fashion, to footy.
• Independent - it’s not that she does not want others to pay for her meal or drinks, but it’s because she does not know how to accept it.

She may not…

• Be shy - after all, if you don’t try, then you definiely lost.
• Believe in marriage and kids.
• Be domesticated - she simply does not enjoy those activities.

But she is still just a girl. She still goes insane over best valued buys, wants to be loved, still has a mind that goes at a million miles an hour, loves being spoilt and cries when she is hurt.  She only really just wants to be happy.

She is, just a girl.

Today I finally managed a distance that I had not in a long time. 10kms under 50mins. To be exact, 10kms in 49mins and 7 secs. I admit, it was a relatively flat run, but it really was a battle to the end for me - I did have to continuously push it, every time my left foot hit the ground I thought about stopping and taking a breather. But I knew it was not going to do me any good. I knew that I would stop not because I could not go any further, but because I simply gave myself an excuse to.

I have to make sure that it is what I choose that dictates my actions.

I learnt a lot from running. To get better, you have to be disciplined, and be patient with yourself. Mostly, it’s a game that goes on in your head. You set a goal, you push yourself to get there, no excuses. When you get there, no complacency, you push ahead with a further goal. The pain is there the more you think about it. Think about some thing else and the pain disappears. Focus on what is at hand, the breathing, the rhythm, the breeze that swipes past your arms, your legs.

It helps to be running in a beautiful city too - the water, the Opera House, the Harbour Bridge, the lights. Mostly it’s about the peace of mind.

This week, I felt gray. I was caught off guard when I was bothered by something that really should not have bothered me. Time is supposed to heal all wounds. To an extent, it has. But the rest of the day I was conflicted - I want it to pass, I do not want it to bother me. I want it out of my head, out, out. But it was not, and I woke up the next day still having it hang over me.

And as I ran underneath the Harbour Bridge looking up and being absolutely amazed by the marvel of a structure that it is, I realized, just like running, the pain may stay a long time yet. But you keep going, because you know you can, because you know you are a lot stronger than what you thought you were. Because if you stop, you stop, and no one is going to make you start up again except yourself.

I looked around me - I take in the beauty of it all. And I think, Why sweat over the small stuff? Life is simply too beautiful.

And the pain in the foot, the stitch in the abdomen, the pull in the calves, fell away.

I refuse to let it break me. I refuse to be anything less than I said I would be.

Next target is 12kms under 50mins!

I remember fighting, and it was not enjoyable.

I remember the stabbing pains in my chest when I was told of the truth, and it hurt.

I even remember those days I had spent lying in bed because my eyes were too tired from the tearing.

I remember those days when I allowed him to make me feel less than myself, not good enough, and simply unattractive, and I do not want to lose my sense of being enpowered ever again.

I remember the disorientation when things fell apart, and now that life makes sense again, I cannot risk it falling apart another time.

I remember those times when I knew I was too blind to be awakened to the truth. Maybe because the truth hurts. Maybe truth was only a commotion anyway.

I remember the tiredness I felt when I was with him, and things like that should not be difficult.

I remember how much I had trusted him, and how much of my heart that I had given, and I can’t say now that I am happy to part with my heart anymore.

I remember all those things and all those times, and all the past relationships. Which is why I don’t think I can make up my mind and just like someone.

Maybe another day. But today, I stay the way I am.

Since I did set some resolutions at the beginning of the year I should be adhering to them. Here is how I am doing:

• Travel: Managed to visit Tassie in Jan, New York in March. Won’t be doing personal travel for the rest of the year, but certainly if all goes well, will be doing a month-long community project January 2008.
• Work: Had the first dog of my investment career, but I suppose they still like me since I haven’t yet been fired! I am getting to know more companies, and in more depth. Looking forward to the travel in second half of the year and meeting more companies. Definitely will have to learn how to conduct a meeting all by myself (a bit intimidating when you’re talking to a CEO who may be older than your father!).
• CFA 3: Exam in about a month, results would only be out in 3Q2007.
• Sports: Stopped paddling as the season is over (and hence have developed a bit of a tuck-shop lady arm), but been running more recently. The goal this is year is to run the half-marathon in September, and also the City to Surf in August. Getting a little too cold to swim, and have not done as much yoga as I would have liked.
• Photography: Have only practised when travelling…
• Driving: This has been a bit frustrating. I have not been back ever since that horrible lesson pre-leaving for New York. I will call up after my CFA exam but I think I will change instructor. He certainly does not make me feel comfortable driving. But I am determined to own a car before end of the year.
• Meet more people: Right on!! And they are mostly not weird nor seedy either! *stoked*
• Less emotional issues: Thank god for singledom. Makes things a lot simpler. But having said that, company would some times be nice.
• General: Well, the apartment is sort of clean, since I haven’t really been home that often; have not saved any money.

What do you think? So far, so good. =)

“Take what you can use and let the rest go by.”