… Stories of My Mind …

After work I went over to the World Expeditions office to check out a Nepal / Tibet / India slideshow. Our virtual tour guide, Phil, talked us through all his photos and what we can expect from the different trips, the routes, the temperature, the guides, the physical condition.

I didn’t realize how breath taking this was until five minutes later as I walked up Martin Place en route to my bus stop. As I walked up the slight incline that is Martin Place, I was blown away. I still had the photos of the mountains, of the smiles of the Nepalese people, the vastness, and how it untouched it was, in my mind. 

And then I remembered, how it was, that the things we stress and worry about, on a day-to-day basis, is really quite insignificant. I miss standing on top of a peak that took the last five hours to conquer. I miss pushing the limits that I once thought I had. And I miss not knowing what is going to happen tomorrow, not knowing exactly where I will be the next minute, not know who I will meet, what I will find. 

I miss the unknown.

I miss it that I didn’t know the people around me. I miss the innocent quietness, the untouched. I miss going to bed knowing that tomorrow will be an adventure, waking up not quite sure what day it is and where exactly you are.

I miss those smiles, where I have no idea what they said, but I knew that smile, it made it all okay.

They is simply so much to see, to touch, to feel, to conquer, to look forward to. Come with me. 

Some times I can’t remember where these stories begin, or where was it that they end. Or do they all inter weave - and that one story leads to another?

I find myself saying this all the time - that you take some thing from each relationship so that when it comes to one that is closest to perfect (that almost makes the assumption that we could never get to perfection - but that’s a whole different discussion altogether) you’d know what to do.

But seriously, do we ever really know what to do? Some things just are and you do the best of what you can today, given what you know today. I don’t even know what is the best that I can do today - today I am not the person I used to be when it come to these things. It’s almost a brand new territory for me.

Some recent love stories:

Boy meets Girl. Girl interests Boy for a coffee. Coffee turns into lunch, into dinner, then into a relationship. Things were almost perfect. Then it became dysfunctional. As time grew, and things changed, they became further apart. Boy changed, Girl changed. It officially drew to a close when Boy meets other Girls.

Boy meets Girl. Girl initiates. They move in together. Years later, Girl moves away. Boy remains with the memory of what was.

Boy meets Girl in the theater. Girl interests Boy for a quick bite. They get along well. They hung out. Both left the city and continued with their lives, worlds apart.

Boy meets Girl at big weekend trip a way. Falls in love at first sight. They move in together. They are now practically married. (We are awaiting announcement)

Boy meets Girl travelling together. They continue to date, but each live in different parts of the country. No one is really sure what the situation is.

Girl meets Boy. Girl initiates. Then she backs off, because the mere thought of the past scares the socks off her. So she smiles, she laughs, and she watches from afar, closeby.

Maybe these great love stories, they don’t end. Maybe the story continues, and the memories remain.

Hi, hope all is well… I’m still alive . I’m in Virginia and I have no connectivity Will write when I get back to Hawaii next week. I’m swimming with manta rays saturday

I’m jealous.

Okay, so I know it’s been two weeks after my exam, and so I have heaps of time, and I should be blogging like crazy, but I guess I may have a busier social life than I thought possible!

Instead of describing to you what I did do, I will just list the following highlights:

Aperitif, Kings Cross - was a great little place plus great French wine. The desserts were fantastic, and good atmosphere. Would have been better if I was on a date with a hot man, but I guess I can’t complain having two boys with me on the night!

Evermore gig, Enmore - They were a lot less scratchy then when I first saw them that rainy morning at Circular Quay. It’s great seeing a band from scratch, and how much they’ve come. Another thing, their support - Kate Miller-Heidke is awesome. I bought her CD and her songs have been stuck in my head since.

Running in the rain, Botanical Gardens - Fed up with the non-stop rain since the day after exam, I decided I need to get a run outside and so promptly went for one yesterday over lunch. It was a lot more enjoyable than expected, certainly saw the Opera House and the city from a different perspective. This run always reminds me how beautiful Sydney is. But guess what, today it was sunshine everywhere…

A Tribute to Bob Marley, The Vanguard - Reggae always put people in a good mood, not to mention make them get out of their chairs and shake their bodies. As for me, I was fifth wheel, but still I didn’t quite make it out of the chair, but I love those cocktails (they were non-stop for me). The front man was also very fit, pity that I am no longer ther predator I once was!

Beef Stew, at home - Those who know me well will know that I rarely (if ever) cook. Well, I did it last weekend, I cooked. So I had to improvise a lot, and had forgotten that if you put flour in without mixing it with water into a hot pot it clumps, but heck, the stew survived, I’m still standing, and the next time I would remember what not to do. The stew, the shiraz, the music, my book. It was a perfect end to a busy weekend.

Holiday plans - as per usual, I dream up a hundread and one things that I would love to do. Here are my dream holiday plans - 2 weeks in Vietname, one for vacation, one for volunteer week; 1 week skiing in NZ; 1 week trekking in NZ (Milford Sounds or Fault Line trek); 1 month in Nepal, volunteer work, and 2 weeks in Tibet, trekking.

I don’t know how I managed it, but some how I have things to do. Going up to Hunter this weekend, then Perth to see my dear friend. Gigs to check out - Snow Patrol, Lily Allen, Live Earth. Things to watch - A Missumer Night’s Dream, Miss Saigon. Others - City to Surf, the Half Marathon.

I have been listening to a lot of stories lately. I tell some, and I listen to some. It seems like many of us each had one (or two) great loves, and we all wonder whatever happened, despite us not voicing that question outright. Maybe we wonder what would have happened we if stayed on for a little while on, what would have happened if we could have tried a little harder, maybe we had believed a little more. And some of us start missing what was the past. Maybe it wasn’t so bad?

So we keep going, trying on different options, believing that each time was just part of the experience.

And then there are some of us who are lucky enough to get there on first try. But then again they wonder if they were missing. Sometimes I wonder what they think they miss out on - the volatility? The emotional baggage? The fears and traumas? Do you really need to be hurt before you know what to appreciate?

I figure that I am no longer the same person that I once was. Firstly, I am a lot older than I once was. Things that once mattered, don’t anymore. I never really thought about being completely alone, but now I have, and I am comfortable with it. In a strange way, I feel so much less alone now than when I did when I was attached. Maybe nowadays I have built up more walls, or maybe I have broken down a lot more so that none of them can be used against me, but it doesn’t matter anymore, because I just am. 

At the end of the day, we all just need to do what makes us happy. All great love stories, come to the same conclusion - they end. What matters is what you choose to think of it.  

I was just going through my photos and here, I want to show you some of my favourites.

Definitely have to travel more.

What if my calculator dies mid-exam?

What if I fail this one? Will it be embarassing as much as painful?

What if I can’t remember how to calculate the profit and loss of a butterfly spread for an interest rate hedge?

What if none of my calculated answers match any one of the multiple choice key?

What if the ink in my pen runs out?

What if I fall for the trickeries of the CFA Institute?

What if I look at the questions and have no idea how to do them?

What if I oversleep?

What if I am no where near the passing grade?

Well, too late now.

The ex dropped me an email yesterday to wish me well for the exam over the weekend. We had several polite exchanges.

I kept feeling how it’s strange. I used to think that he was the most honest, down to earth, humble man I knew. But then if all that was defined by him not lying, and then if he did lie, do I still know him?

That was not the first time we had exchanged emails. But we never really talk about anything deeper than the surface. I used to know a lot about him. (At least I thought I did) He used to know a lot about me (and maybe he still does). But this time around, I don’t know much about him.

Truth to be told, he is a stranger to me. But he doesn’t know that. Maybe I should spend some time to get to know him again. Then again, do you really want to get to know someone who had once lied? Whilst we could never be what we were (all that is completely damaged), I do believe in second chances in friendships.

But the difference now is that he is no longer a priority.